Glass Shield.

My thoughts are all over the place now & a thought-organizer machine thingy should really be invented because I think I'm in need of that right now. So let's see what's in my head: 

good thoughts, bad thoughts, how computer games should be banned, the hols are ending boohoo, all the dates/appointment I have for the next few weeks, people that I need to meet, things I need to do, practicum tasks & things I need to get started on.

I foresee myself taking a fair bit of time drafting this post because my thoughts are just all over the place. But first, the chalet I attended over the weekend. It was really good & it was sucha good way to unwind & let loose with the guys & boy. And of course, it was great getting to know Kaiwen's fammy better, esp with his sissy. Hahah, this is gonna sound a lil weird but I actually like the idea of having an older sister! Maybe its because I'm the oldest & I never had an older sister figure, like someone I could just talk to, do those girly stuff together ( my sis hates them) and just spend a bit of girl time together (: The guys took good care of me when Kaiwen was all over the place, helping out & ensuring that they party was smooth and I really appreciate it. And yes, it was good talking to most of them individually, kinda like getting to them even better though we hang quite often.

But the best that came out of everything was being able to see another side of my boy. The family boy side, the side where he puts them infront of his own needs just to make sure that everyone is happy & safe. After a whole day of being camera-dude & ensuring everything is going well, he finally gets to plonk himself on the sofa but because he sees his dad taking the broom to sweep the area, he immediately gets up, takes the broom and starts sweeping.

It is really so heartwarming to see that scene & yes, I'm indeed so proud/happy/touched to see that.

Family, the first priority. My first priority. However, after hearing some stuff, I can't help but feel very betrayed? I don't even know what's the word to describe it. When I heard it, all I did was to think of excuses to defend you, something anyone would do for the family but at the same time, I started to doubt you. The thing is, that thought should never ever cross my mind. It's like me breaking one of my own beliefs. Got home & so many questions came popping in my head, I was so tempted to just get them off my chest & to get the desired answer I wanted but I just couldn't do so. I don't want to find out -  if you did so or not.

I think it is true that Love, changes people. Well, I'm talking about change in a good way. I'm honestly amazed at how far I stretch my limits to & if my 15 year old me, took a ride in the time machine & saw the current me, she would prolly give me a slap on my face. Hahahah, because I'm just amazed at the how far I go to make sure the people I love are happy. I wouldn't even go that far for myself, as shameless as this whole paragraph sounds, I think I deserve a lil credit & besides, it is good right? Yes, I'll take it as a yes.

Balancing different groups of important people in your life ain't easy, that's something taxing because you can never balance them out fair & square. No 50-50, the best people can do is a 55-45, 40-60 etc. But so, just don't, don't ever take those numbers to heart & always have those numbers be fixed. Like, doesn't mean this group is a 45 that you do things just to settle for a 45. Play those numbers around  but having said so, it's not that easy in reality I guess.

Don't wait till you realize that you've the number fixed & the things you do just/plans you make/every single thing just fits that number perfectly.

XX.