When It Hits

 The best place I'd wanna be right now, this very moment. 

I'm not like emo nemo 24/7, because I don't think I can deal with that sort of negativity every minute & hour of my life. Maybe the extreme I can go to is like half a day for five days? No way, I can drown in that for a full 24 hour cause that's a killer, at least to me it is.

I do have moments like now, when the negativity just hits me hard in the face, allowing myself to just be in that state. Yet again, it is a choice to be in this emotional whirlpool.

Encouragement & Reminders that I have to constantly tell myself. And sometimes, I do detest myself for allowing me to be in state. I question myself " Why blah blah blah? " but at the end of the day, I just sit at the edge of my bed and realise that through all the shit I have had, it was worth it & it was what I wanted --- to give it another shot.

 That's the first thing my friends (those who've witnessed the start & end) ask me. 

My answer: Sort of kind of. Well, not really but somewhere in the middle. 

"I'm okay" - defining that I'm not doing silly stuff or having suicidal thoughts, neither am I crying my eyes out 24/7.

"I'm okay" - defining that I still do put on a smile & have a great day but I do have moments when I just take out the memories & play them in my head since Day 1. Going through my old diary entries, seeing our photos etc.

Sure enough, I know that I'll be fine, in a matter of time but just not now. I mean, I have to be right? Because at the end of the day, this is my life not anyone else's & I don't wanna look back seeing myself wallow in these sadness.

 #16. Always having things to do with this number. Maybe its a girl thing to read so much into such puny stuff or maybe its just me.

I can't really say that I didn't expect this, a part of me knew this might be coming & it did. So who can I blame for all these? No one but myself. Many don't get why I can throw away the fact that I got hit in the face numerous times but am able to let it go when he's back.

Because I want to give him another chance, what if things turned out fine this time? I would be missing out on alot if I gave it up. Silly as I sound right now, that's the faith I'm holding. But right now, I need to demolish this faith away before I cause more pain to myself.

Love isn't very complex actually but I don't get why humans have to complicate it. You love someone then fight for them & love them back, simple as that. 

Guess I'm done with the rant for the night. Love you all who managed to survive it despite the negativity in contains, muah!

xoxo.