STRANGER BETWEEN FOUR WALLS

I just did something which I shouldn't have done but yet I was dying to know. And now, I kinda regret knowing it. I wouldn't exactly call it "truth" because I do know the existence of it but I just didn't know to what extend or how the situation is as of now. And yes, I officially regret was I just did and it's making me crumble down to the bottom of my pit.

I didn't know how much it hurt and affected me despite me telling myself that I simply couldn't be bothered by it and how this system/relationship/interaction is working and heading to. No, I'm not referring to my relationship with Kaiwen, we're perfectly fine (more than perfect, too much love going on hehehe). It's another relationship I really value so much though I always rant about them. I wouldn't be here if not for them.

I was over the phone with Kaiwen just now and I teared talking to him about this whole situation which has been bugging me on and off. I've been attempting to push this aside but in all honesty, it's bothering way more than I thought so. "Them", "Her", "Him". These few nights, I feel like an audience in a real-life show. I don't feel like part of them, more like an observer of them.

 I try distancing myself from them & I know how much they dislike it because the of the wrong reason, they have no idea why I'm actually doing so. It is because I feel that they're so much happier and better off without my existence. I don't like what I'm doing and I hate that I have to resort to such shit because this was not what I had in mind, I didn't expect it to turn out like this. I don't want to continue just being physically there and not mentally,emotionally there but y'know what, I have no choice. 

It's like no matter what I do, it's never good enough. This is prolly the first time I've ever felt this way. I rarely feel like I've not done enough despite giving my all and this is the first. What exactly did I not do well enough? Kindly enlighten me on it. I found out about this a year back & this year, it was one of my "must-do" thing I listed in my resolution. Frankly, I thought I was doing sucha good job, being really caring and doing things for "her". She craved for starbucks, I got her Starbucks. She was mugging hard for an upcoming test, I bought her her favourite drink. I'm out shopping and I see stuff that she might like, I get them. All these may come off as superficial affection but knowing that she ain't someone who shares her emotional thingy with anyone, I guess that's the best that I can do.

But at the end of the day, I found out that it wasn't good enough, at least to her it isn't.

So now, what should I do? Someone enlighten me, really.